Moekan The Animation

Have you ever seen something so terrible that it made you feel awe? Like watching two cars collide, but you see it as a sculpture of twisted steel being built right before your eyes. That's how it feels to watch Moekan. I would warn you that this review will contain spoilers, but it's actually impossible to spoil Moekan, for reasons I'll explain later. Make no mistake, Moekan IS an awful show. The story is insipid, the characters are bland cutouts, the action is stupid, the romance is forced, the pacing is dreadful, even the OP and ED are sung off-key – there's not a single goodquality to be found in this garbage heap. But somehow all these horrible elements, when mixed together and given that special KSS touch, become something truly magical. You see, saying this show makes no sense would actually be an ignorant statement. The writers of Moekan have actually created their own special kind of logic, one that only applies to this world. We are simply observing another reality, one where our own expectations have no place. Things happen which should not happen, yet we have no choice but to accept their happening. This is a world where androids are created to be maids, then trained to be soldiers. Rinia is an old combat model who has been reassigned as a maid, and her reason for coming to Maidland is to learn the art of combat. One maid is a member of 80s rock group “Alice in Chains,” yet this is never mentioned again. We know nothing about the country where this takes place, or the company that builds these killer robots, or what goes on in this mansion where every episode happens, yet we know that one of these androids has to eat and pee. A crippled man breaks his leg catching an android who wouldn't be harmed from a fall, yet the action of catching her seems to heal his leg. Two nameless bad guys want to shoot people who are on a cliff above them, so they activate their shoe rockets and fly up above their targets. Sexroids. The company is tired of all the assassination attempts made against one of their employees, so their solution is to assassinate that employee. There is no cause or effect, rather things happen and then unhappen. It's anti-plot. You can add “for no reason” to literally any scene description and it would fit. It's completely baffling, and yet it's obvious that every bit was intentional. Nothing accidentally makes sense, any possible plot thread is plotholed with expert accuracy. The creators of Moekan set out to create Moekan, and in that regard they succeeded admirably. The pacing of this disaster deserves special mention. Every episode feels like a recap episode, where you're shown things for just long enough to jog your memory since you've already seen it before. Except you've never seen it before. You see, the animators who worked on Moekan the Animation didn't want to do any animating, so they gave us the crib notes instead of the whole thing. The show moves lightning fast, yet perplexingly it also moves glacially slow. Did you know that Rinia is dumb? Surely the last 20 minutes devoted to showing how dumb Rinia is did nothing to alert you to that fact, so here's another scene showing that she's dumb. She also has a Super Saiyan mode, but that's not important, better get back to the dumb stuff. Kazusa is killing people who are trying to kill Takehito because ??? but then she wasn't actually killing people until she kills people. Also she's afraid of dogs until she's held down and traumatized by a dog until she falls in love with it. It's impossible to determine when something is supposed to be happening, almost like there is never a “before” or “after.” If anything was ever elaborated upon, then it might have crossed the line back into an attempt at sensible human entertainment, but that would involve suffering through more Moekan. As it is, the show is in an uneasy equilibrium where the smallest cut or addition would have an incalculable effect. Too much, and it would be impossible to force yourself through this ordeal. Too little, and it would no longer qualify as an actual narrative. My favorite part of this whole experience is actually the lead girl's hair-hands. Rinia's “Rinia Hand” Hands (リニアハンド rinia hando) are such a unique idea that I'm actually impressed by their existence, yet they end up being utterly pointless. Despite having two fully functional pairs of arms, Rinia never uses them for anything that she couldn't use her non-hair hands for. She only uses them for such exotic tasks as opening doors and trying to lift boxes. At least Melona actually DOES something with her hair/goo hands, however lewd it may be. In fact, Rinia has the perfect opportunity to cover herself with them in the first episode, yet she uses them to pull up her blanket instead. That's what people with normal hands do! On top of all this, no one even notices that these alien appendages exist! They're so unique that they become completely normal, which fits in with the whole bizarro world logic going on everywhere else. Moekan is not diamond in the rough, it's a rough in the diamond. If you like bad anime, it may be worth your time to study this and learn just what makes something truly bad. Become a scholar of crappy shows, and judge them against a proper metric. If you're looking for genuine entertainment, leave now, there's none to be had here. Here there be Moekan, wary traveler. Tread lightly.