Byston Well Monogatari: Garzey no Tsubasa

Overview: When you ask Otaku today what the worst anime in existence is, you get answers like Pupa, Mars of Destruction, and maybe Kis X Sis. When you asked otaku in the 1990s what the worst anime series were, you got one of 2 answers: MD Geist or Garzey's Wing. Since I already reviewed Geist, it was inevitable that I would one day have to review this pile. The Legend: Let us travel back in time to the 1990s when everyone was talking about this shitty movie called Garzey's Wing. You probably had dial up internet, and booting up a plain text site could easily take 15minutes even if you could keep your siblings and parents off the phone. Surfing the net...sucked! There were sites where anime was discussed, but no massive anime databases anything like MAL. Yet somehow entirely from word of mouth, rumor spread from anime club to anime club about this truly GOD AWFUL movie with the most confusing story, the lamest characters, and the absolute worst dub anyone had ever heard before! This was the legend of Garzey's Wing. What is most amazing is that it was written and directed by the same guy that created the Gundam franchise!!! Garzey's Wing was supposed to be a huge hit, but failed hard in Japan and every country in which it was released. In spite of this fact, mostly because they were evil bastards, Central Park Media decided in their infinite wisdom to adapt Garzey's Wing and give it an English Dub. The result was depending on your point of view either the funniest moment in anime history or the most insulting and atrocious raping the anime medium has ever received. The Dub: Led by the amazing vocal talents of Rick Nagel and a team of voice actors that mostly never appeared in anything EVER again, this cast is like the imperfection dream team. Every line delivered is either completely inhuman in its cadence and enunciation, or delivered with an odd tone, or is a laughably butchered Japanese pronunciation. Everything that possibly could go wrong, goes WAY wrong in Garzey's Wing. The original anime was terrible in Japanese, but this dub is just the perfect cherry on top. Story and characters: 1/10 The story is supposed to be about an ordinary boy that has his spirit transferred to a magical land where he must fight evil whilst his now soulless body goes on living in our world. However, it would take about 3 times watching to even figure that much out. Garzey's Wing is absolutely inscrutable in its narrative, but not because it is trying to be artistic like Ergo Proxy or End of Evangelion. Instead the vagueness is derived sheerly from ineptitude. What should have been an unoriginal but at least average story becomes a complete nightmare of bullshit. Most of the characters are either forgettable or unlikeable, with the most memorable being the fairy Falan Fa. If you thought Puck from the Berserk manga was annoying, Oh boy are you in for a treat! This guy makes Happy from Fairy Tail seem like the most awesome character in the world. Animation: 3/10 Although the animation isn't quite as bad as the plot, characters, and dubbing, it is still pretty shoddy even by the standards of low budget 1990s OVAs. Now THAT is a statement. Overall: 1/10 If you are curious about Garzey's Wing, go to youtube and check out some clips. I would advise against watching the whole movie, since you just may overdose on its shittyness and die! Somehow this movie was actually re-released on DVD in the early 2000s. Every copy of Garzey's Wing should be put in a large shipping crate and given over the US government like the end of Raiders of the Lost Arc.

“I MUST SOMEHOW MAKE SENSE OF OUR CONVOLUTED SITUATION!” This anime is a horrifyingly hot mess. The story line is a disaster, the character development is all over the place, and at some point your brain just gives up trying to figure it out. Technically this anime gets a 1/10. However, That said, the dub is just so bad that it's ABSOLUTE GOLD. Watch it with a big group of people, you won't be disappointed. Its rare to find a show with the English translation and voice acting so horrible that you are put into a state of cringe worthy bliss. Worth the watch, 10/10.

"Heaven and Hell, all that's in between is a world called Byston Well." That, and a metric shitton of fudgery that somehow got made into an anime. Welcome to LawlMartz' shlockfest, episode iforgothowmany, where I watch garbage 80s and 90s OVAs, temporarily lose my sanity, and when they let me out of the asylum, I recount my experiences in review format- usually with destructive results. Garzey's Wing is no exception. This is one of the most unequivocally, fundamentally awful anime with almost no peers, aside from Tomino's own creations. It wasn't even as hard to watch as Brain Damagd, but was just incomprehensibly and fundamentally badon every level. One wonders how someone can even come up with such a ridiculously nonsensical story, and at no level, ever be challenged by anyone else involved with the production. *COUGH GEORGE LUCAS AND THE STAR WARS PREQUELS* It's so bad in fact, that I don't think Yoshiyuki Tomino even realized just how terrible this show was. He's an old guy, maybe he was just off his meds that... decade... of the 90s where he produced nothing but absolute CRAP! He's a curious man, Tomino. He created Gundam, the first, and possibly the best Mecha series of all time. Certainly the most recognizable. A revolutionary in the sci fi genre (much like George Lucas) in the 70s and 80s... and then the 90s happened. Lucas began production on The Phantom Menace, aka, the movie that ruined everyone's childhood and disappointed their adulthoods, in 1997. In 1997 Tomino was finishing Garzey's Wing and starting Brain Powerd, which has the distinction of being the ABSOLUTE WORST ANIME OF ALL TIME. Move the fuck over, Idea Factory, here comes muthaphucckin Yoshiyuki Tomino and his parade of nonsensical alligator shit! Are you seeing the parallels here? George Lucas blows us away with a visionary classic like Star Wars in the late 70s and 80s. Tomino blows us away with a genre setting classic Gundam in the late 70s and 80s. George Lucas creates a schlocksterpiece of unholy proportions in 1999, beginning a trilogy of heretofore unseen excrement to life, trying desperately to copy his own successes from 20 years prior, and while he makes so much money that he can wipe his ass with it, the product has not stood the test of time. In fact, you could say it's a product of George's ass. Not a piece of shit. A WHOLE SHIT. Likewise, Tomino has ridden the coattails of his own success since Gundam fell off... and desperately tries to be "sew originul" with Garzey's Wing. Let the brains oozing out of ears commence. Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, because it's about to get really freaking weird. I can only imagine that the script and screenplay for Garzey's Wing was written by a crack addict who was told to mash up Peter Pan, the story of the Jews' Exodus from Egypt, and Mark Twain's 1889 novel "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" into one completely incoherent, brain blended, meth smoking 3 episode mess. Only someone on a bender of galactic proportions could have thought to put something like this together, but I fear the truth of this may be much simpler, and that I'm reading far too much into it... there probably was no thought process. This is the result of a show being written by a tweaked out goldfish attempting a stream of consciousness narrative. It's pond scum. Sound section: -∞ Selected quotes: "Oh my GAWD I felt like I was having a dream! My body is aching, I'm bruised all over! It's because I had to fight NAKED!" - MC Chris "If you taste it or smoke it, you get happy and do crazy things!" - Talking about this highly volatile explosive "You failed the college entrance exam twice now!" "It doesn't matter, I will come back after I attend the high school class reunion pool party tomorrow!" "He is just a human. Humans are just human." "I"m being chased by a real army! With dinosaurs using bows and arrows! And my sword is incredibly dull!" -MC Chris "I must somehow make sense of our CONVOLUTED situation!" - MC Chris The next assault on the viewer comes courtesy of Central Park Media. This is also CPM's finest right here. In that was truly freaking terrible. Stilted doesn't even begin to describe the level of contempt that regurgitates this anime from the bowels of the schlock monster into LEGENDARY status! It's so damn bad that it gets to the point where you're hearing these ridiculous statements, each more preposterous than the last, and you eventually just become numb to it and don't even realize that it just gets worse. Every single line is like a non sequitur answering a non sequitur on top of a non sequitur. The main character, MC Chris is like an idiot savant version of Peter Pan who gets abducted into 1400BC to become Warrior Jesus but while also being the Connecticut Yankee and killing a lot of dinosaurs, but at the same time he has to save the priestess and kill Gilgamesh but he can't because his sword is incredibly dull. Then he transports back in time to his high school class reunion pool party, but he passes out and goes into a coma and then back in 1200AD the dinosaurs step on some guys and he grows rainbow wings and stabs a thing and then throws rope bombs and gets high and sees fairies and then when he wakes up from his cocaine fueled rage, finds that he's killed a man, but thankfully he can teleport back to Japan and nothing happens except a lot of puke. The moral of the story? Drugs are bad. I really need some drugs after this. Drink the pain away... drink the pain away... drink the.. I'm offering clorox eyewashes behind walmart after this. Trust me, you're going to need it That, and buy my patented NaOCl (bleach) DeTox. Just one pint of this a day, and you'll be cured from all your anime woes. I've been doing it for about a year, and the results will shock you. You'll probably start watching this kind of garbage too. Verdict: Yoshiyuki Tomino and MC Chris are to be eaten by the War Beast Army Corps of the Great Baraju Tree of Wafuundu!

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